My younger son six months ago at the age of 19 died.
When I was called from the hospital tranquility got over me, then suddenly Balázs appeared too. He sat down on the edge of my bed and said “Mom, you must understand, my body is that of a seventy-five-year old. I would have needed years until I might get into a condition suitable for transplantation, but if it happens what is going to wait for me? Continual visits to hospitals. Sorry but I refuse to choose this.”
It was no question that I would respect his choice, since what he had experienced the previous four years was equivalent to ten years of pain and defenselessness, nor did I think it would be unnecessary to mourn, because I knew/know Balázs is here, he exists as an eternal entity – he’s just not incarnated, that is.
Forty days later he came again, and then he said “The Earth is a lot more messed up than it was when we talked about it. Everything is alive, and every living creature is surrounded by a soap bubble-like sphere, which is rainbow colored, but it’s grey around people. There’s a huge problem!” Then he made me promise that I should relinquish ‘mommy program’, and start living my life, and show that it’s possible after our common stories too. He also said that people were afraid of death, despite the fact that beyond their bodies there’s complete tranquility and peace, and our earthly lives compared to eternity mean nothing more than the landing of a feather.
In his entire life, Balázs wanted to show that there were different things. Different things in education, healthcare, and in the choices of our lives. And I’m grateful for every single moment of the past three years, because in spite of all the sleepless nights and painful days I had the strength not to give up and stop, while he was transforming me, leading me onto a road which I have to walk now, and what I learnt from him I should pass on to others. I have to tell people “Wake up!” – that we are all energies, there’s vigilance in us, we already know everything. And if we find this energy, and we stand our ground, we’ll be able to devastate everything that is old, ineffective, took our colors and destroys us slowly but surely.